When: Dec. 14 // Weather: 40s // Real life: work
similar Sweater // Belt // similar Bag // similar Coat // similar Shoes
What did I do this weekend? You know, the usual…went out for drinks, did some meal prepping, researched the difference between mouse poop and bat poop. Settle in, kids, and let me tell you a story.
Act 1, Scene 1
So this all started Friday when I got home from work to find various Christmas decorations that had been on the mantle were now on the floor. Some were broken. For a moment I thought we had been robbed (yes, my house is messy enough that I couldn’t tell the difference right away). But then I realized nothing was missing. Still, I felt quite unnerved being home alone with things out of place and no explanation (our cat has never once jumped up on the mantle – she’s not that athletic). But then I came across little clusters of dark brown pellets and I realized:
We have a mouse. And Coco chased it, and in the process, she tripped on the garland that was strung across the mantle, which knocked the stuff off. No big deal. We had mice in our old apartment so we know the drill. We’ll get some humane traps tomorrow and put the little guys back outside before they meet an untimely death at the hands (or paws) of Coco the Attack Cat.
Act 2, Scene 1
Friday night was uneventful, and on Saturday morning Kristin and I went to yoga together (cute, I know). When we got home, we once again found things knocked off the mantle. Weird, because I had moved the garland last night. Then we noticed other things out of place around the living room. Nothing broken, just…off kilter. OK, so Coco must have chased the mouse onto the bookcase, then the mantle. But I didn’t think mice climbed up on things like that?
We started checking other rooms of the house, and in my dressing room I discovered the jewelry stand that holds all my earrings had been knocked down and there were earrings everywhere. In the basement, a little wall shelf had had stuff knocked off. Again, why would the cat be jumping up on things in the process of chasing a mouse?? I’m not scared of mice, but I couldn’t shake this feeling that there was something weird going on.
I started thinking of other things it could be besides a mouse. Bird? No, not the right kind of poop, and a bird freaks out when it’s inside so we would have seen it. Bat? According to a YouTube video I watched, bat poop looks very similar to mouse poop, but it turns to powder when you crush it. Yep, I really did pull some of the poop out of the trash can to test it and…not bat poop. Squirrel? Again, similar poop, but according to the Internet, the tell tale sign of squirrels in your house is the sound of them scurrying around in your attic or walls. We hadn’t heard anything, plus where was this squirrel hiding that we hadn’t seen it? It must be a mouse, so we got a couple mouse traps and set them up – one in the living room, one in the basement.
Act 2, Scene 2
We went out for drinks with a friend on Saturday night and spent a good portion of the time filling her in on the mouse adventures (#thisis30). She assured us the mice can climb, because she had had a mouse that got in a high cabinet.
Act 2, Scene 3
We got home from our carefree night out, and…
You guessed it. More stuff knocked around. Including my earrings, which I had painstakingly put back in place a few hours earlier. BUT!!! The mousetrap was closed! At last we had caught the tiny rodent that was the cause of all this calamity. So we took the trap outside, opened it, and…
Nothing. It was empty.
WHAT. IS. HAPPENING.
I was getting seriously stressed out at this point. I’m generally a pretty laid back person, but I get very protective of my home. It’s supposed to be my safe (if messy) space, and I felt very uneasy about the whole situation. Why do things only happen when we’re out of the house? Why is Coco jumping up? Why is the commotion happening repeatedly in three separate corners of the house? If it weren’t for the very strong and delicious Mai Tai, I probably wouldn’t have fallen asleep Saturday night. Luckily, nothing happened overnight, and I slept well, with Coco cuddled next to me. 🙂
Act 3, Scene 1
Ah, Sunday. My favorite day of the week. I woke up, checked the mouse traps (nothing), and confirmed nothing weird had magically fallen overnight. I did some meal prepping, made my coffee, and responded to a few emails. I was starting to feel more relaxed. You don’t scare me, mouse. This is my house.
Kristin also went ahead with her usual Sunday routine – sleeping in, then going rock climbing. While she was gone, I turned on some Netflix and got cozy with my laptop on the couch. A little after noon, I heard the pitter patter of Coco walking down the hallway. I looked up and saw:
A squirrel. THERE WAS A LIVE FUCKING SQUIRREL IN MY HOUSE. And it has been here for 2 days.
As soon as the squirrel saw me, it went running in the opposite direction. Once I remembered how to breathe again, I tried my best to organize my thoughts. How do I adult? I have to call someone. Pest control, animal control, anyone. Problem was, it was Sunday. No one could come until the next morning. (Shout out to the customer service girl at Orkin who clearly wished she could help me sooner.) Luckily, as word spread, my father-in-law weighed in that Lowe’s should have humane traps appropriate for squirrels. I sent Kristin to pick some up and told her to come back as fast as humanly possible. Meanwhile, we locked Coco up in the bedroom after confirming the squirrel wasn’t in there – poor thing was very confused, but we didn’t want to risk an encounter. I know the outcome of cat vs. mouse, but I wasn’t so sure about cat vs. hearty Midwestern squirrel.
Act 3, Scene 2
We set up two squirrel traps with peanut butter crackers. Since we knew the squirrel tended to come out when we were gone, we went for a walk around the neighborhood. During that time, I had the opportunity to reflect. In a way, I was relieved to have answers to my questions. I also thought about what was really important in life: Family. Friends. Mai Tais. Not having wild animals gallivanting around your house.
About half an hour later, we came home, and that little shit was sitting in the front window. I mean COME ON.
Of course, once we walked up to open the front door, it freaked out again and ran off. We held the door open for a few minutes to see if it would come out, but no luck. So we moved one of the traps to the windowsill and took another walk.
Act 3, Scene 3
Back from walk #2, we were lucky enough to see our little intruder just as it hopped up in the window again. We watched from across the street as it inspected the trap. Yes, good squirrel. You got this. It stuck its head in and sniffed the peanut butter. That’s right. It’s organic. It took a step inside.
Then the bastard managed to snatch the cracker and back out of the trap without setting it off! And there we were, just standing outside in our yard, watching a wild animal have a snack on the back of our couch. Well, this squirrel owns our house now; I guess we’ll just sign the papers and make it official?
NO. We’re not giving up yet. He’s right there and he clearly wants to get out. We opened the front door (scaring him away again), propped it open, then stood out in the yard far enough away that he wouldn’t see us, but close enough that we could watch.
Tick, tock, tick, tock.
After a very long and chilly 10 minutes, I finally spotted his little brown snout cross the threshold. “SWEET FREEDOM!” is what I imagine he said in his little squirrel head.
Finale
And so ends Squirrelgate 2019. I ran triumphantly back into the house while Kristin took photos of the rodent reunited with his natural habitat. Personally, I’d rather not see that animal ever again. Also, does anyone need a mouse trap? We have extra.
